When people decide to adopt, most of them are hopeful that the child they welcome will fit into their family perfectly and grow into a healthy, happy, well-adjusted adult. While this often happens, there’s also a dark side to adoption—a side that most are reluctant to talk about.
That “dark side” concerns adopting children who have been exposed to drugs, alcohol, abuse, neglect, institutional living, and/or have inherited mental illnesses.
One of my readers, a mother of two grown birth children and five adopted children, ages 10-16, says that parenting kids who have been “damaged” is often more of a mission than a “quick way to a dream family. Parenting these kids is delightful, but definitely a challenge.”
One of her adopted children is a 10-year-old boy she adopted after a “temporary foster placement” when he was 4. He had burned down his [birth] mom’s rental house, burned the hair of his 2-year-old sister with matches, burned his sister’s arm with an iron, cut her playpen with a knife (and more). She says, “He is doing fairly well, but his story won’t be finished for a long time.”
She shared the stories of several people she knows:
I know people who adopted, thinking everything was going to be wonderful and easy, and ended up hating their children, putting the kids into very expensive ($4,000-6,000) a month group homes, having parental nervous breakdowns, spending their life savings on counseling and various interventions, [and requiring] lots of police involvement due to [their child’s] violence.
One family, who adopted a 16-year-old girl, had many problems with her. They tried different programs and were totally discouraged. Finally, they resorted to putting a TV in her room with as much food as she wanted, in an effort to keep her busy and away from them until she turned 18 and they could kick her out. To say that they hated her would be to put it mildly.
Another family adopted two siblings [as infants] and ended up in mental and financial ruin. The older sibling was diagnosed with Asperger’s and is now living among the homeless population in a major city. The parents are waiting for the younger sibling to turn 18 so she can get kicked out of their home.
Does Love Conquer All?
These stories—which, incidentally, are not unusual—probably make you cringe and wonder, “What did these parents do wrong? Why can’t they control their children?”
Frankly, the parents may not have done anything wrong, other than having an unrealistic view about their ability to parent a damaged child. Many, if not most parents enter adoption thinking, “I can do this. I can handle anything. Love conquers all.”
But unfortunately, love does not conquer all. Unconditional love can work wonders on a damaged child and can help bring incredible healing. But for most of these children, love alone cannot repair the damage that has been inflicted on them.
I’ll Adopt Internationally
“That’s why I won’t adopt from the foster care system,” you vow. “That’s why I’m going to adopt internationally.”
Think again. Many of the children available for adoption internationally have experienced the same sorts of alcohol and drug exposure, abuse, and neglect as children in foster care. There are no guarantees that adopting a child from another country will result in a “happily ever after” scenario.
I know of a family who adopted a young girl after her original adoptive placement (from China to the U.S.) failed because her adopted family “couldn’t handle her.” When this girl was a ‘tween, she accused her (adoptive) father of sexual abuse. As a result of her accusation, the entire family has been ripped apart, and none of the children are allowed to have contact with their father.
This Couldn’t Possibly Happen to Me
So, why adopt in the first place?
It’s a reasonable question. If you’re feeling scared about adopting after reading these stories, I’m glad. Not everyone is cut out to adopt. I’d rather you choose not to adopt than head into the process starry-eyed, assuming everything will be hunky-dory just because you’re a great person and know you’d make a great parent. I’d rather you enter the adoption process knowing what you might be up against.
For many of you, parenting an adopted child will be the easiest, most rewarding thing in the world. For many of you, parenting an adopted child will be a complete nightmare. For most of you, parenting an adopted child will be somewhere between those two extremes. You need to be prepared for the “in between”—even, the worst extreme.
There’s no way on earth you can be prepared for every challenging situation you will encounter. But if you’re thinking about adopting and are truly feeling drawn to adopting an older child or a traumatized child (there are over 115,000 children in U.S. foster care who are anxiously awaiting a permanent home), here are some practical ways you can begin preparing yourself:
Realize that the problems your child brings with her into your family are not her fault, and they’re not your fault. They’re a result of damage that has been inflicted on your child early in life (perhaps even in the womb). While you can’t control what happened to your child before she arrives in your home, you can take steps to deal with the issues once she lives with you.
During the adoption process, discuss your options for obtaining post-adoption support from the federal or state government with your adoption social worker. In many cases, ongoing medical and mental health care is available, but you have to arrange for it BEFORE the adoption is finalized.
Before you adopt, investigate the medical, educational, mental health, and social services in your area that are equipped to handle the needs of the child you adopt. If you know you’re going to be adopting a child who has had fetal alcohol exposure, learn as much as you possibly can about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (and all its variations). Research what alcohol exposure does to a child’s brain. And find out what resources exist in your community to support your family.
When you observe an unusual or troubling behavior in your child, don’t automatically attribute it to post-placement adjustment. If you wait a couple of years for the “honeymoon” to end, you’ve waited far too long. Immediately begin documenting your child’s behaviors in a notebook. Share your child’s behaviors with other adoptive parents (particularly parents who adopted older children) and ask whether those behaviors raise red flags. If they raise the slightest red flag, immediately seek professional help.
Be your child’s advocate. You may have to visit umpteen doctors and medical health professionals in order to obtain an accurate diagnosis of your child’s problem. Don’t give up! If you don’t advocate for your child, who will?
Get involved in a support network. Connecting with others who have experienced what you’re going through is the most important thing you can do to maintain your own sanity and to prevent yourself from spiraling into depression. If you have to drive 150 miles to attend a support group for parents whose children have attachment issues, do it. You need a safe community where others who experience similar challenges share ideas, resources, and encouragement.
My new book, The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Need to Know Before Adopting, devotes three chapters to the issue of parenting children who have special challenges. In these chapters, several parents who are currently negotiating difficult situations with their children share their stories and offer tips how to deal with challenges.
We want to hear from you!
Pre-adoptive parents:
What are you doing to prepare yourself to meet the challenges your child might bring into your family?
Adoptive parents who have faced difficult challenges:
What were your expectations going into adoption? What do you wish you’d known or done before adopting? What are some of the best resources you’ve found to help you negotiate particular challenges? What’s the best advice you have for someone who’s considering adopting?
Please post your thoughts and advice in the Comments area so we can learn from you!
A few resources to get you jump-started:
Families by Design (Nancy Thomas) – works with attachment disordered children and leads seminars around the country.
Attachment Center Northwest in Kirkland, WA – Specializes in diagnosing and treating children, youth, and adults with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD); other difficulties on the continuum of bonding and attachment; and issues of trauma, adoption, and complicated grief.
Empowering Your Child Who Has Special Needs, by Debbie Salter Goodwin
Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child, by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky
Special Strength for Special Parents (a devotional) by Nina Fuller
Attaching in Adoption, by Deborah Gray
The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen Foli and John Thompson
The Adoption Network: Your Guide to Starting a Support System, by Laura Christianson
Related Post:
The 'Awwww' Moment (about the positive aspects of parenting children who've come from difficult backgrounds)
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