Questions to Ask When Planning an Open Adoption
In yesterday’s post, I advised families who are preparing for (or already involved in) open adoption to set firm boundaries around what is/isn’t acceptable behavior among birth and adoptive family members.
Today I’m going to toss out a bunch of boundary-setting questions. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions. They’re intended to get you thinking—and discussing—issues that will very likely arise in your open adoption.
While these questions are structured for adoptive parents, they are equally applicable for birth parents. If you’re a birth family member, just flip-flop the question. I highly recommend that birth and adoptive family members discuss these questions together—before the adoption takes place, if possible.
QUESTIONS FOR PARENTS TO ASK
Before the Adoption
What’s my comfort level regarding openness?
- Do I want to meet prospective birth parents before the baby’s birth? If yes, how often?
- Do I want to attend doctor’s appointments?
- Be present for the baby’s birth?
- Be present in the hospital soon after the birth?
- Stay out of the picture until I gain custody of the baby?
Continuing Contact
Do I want to continue contact with my child’s birth family after the adoption takes place?
- What will that contact look like? (Letters, pictures, gift exchanges, visits?)
- Do I want to continue meeting with my child’s birth family members after the adoption? If so, with which family members do I want to continue contact?
- Birth parent(s)
- Siblings
- Grandparents
- Aunts and uncles
- Cousins
- If I want to continue meeting with the birth family, how many times per year would I like to meet?
- Will our child be present at those meetings, or will the contact be among parents only?
- At what locations do I feel comfortable meeting (neutral location, such as a park? My home? Their home? At family gatherings? Holiday parties? Other social outing?)
- What do I envision happening during those meetings?
- What do I dread might happen during those meetings?
- What do I look forward to most about those meetings?
Exchanging Gifts
What are my expectations regarding exchanging gifts with birth family members?
- Will I accept gifts from them to my child?
- If so, from whom will I accept gifts? (Birth parents only? Birth grandparents? Siblings?)
- Will gifts be sent only to my child, or do I expect to give/receive holiday gifts, as well?
- If I have additional children, do I expect birth family members to send gifts to them, too?
- Will I give gifts to members of my child’s birth family? If yes, to whom? Birth parent(s) only? Birth grandparents? My child’s siblings?
- What is the limit on the number of gifts exchanged? (for example, 2 gifts for our child’s birthday from his birth parent(s), 1 gift from each birth grandparent)
- What is the spending limit on gift exchanges?
- For which holidays will we exchange gifts?
Discussing Parenting Strategies
- What do we prefer that our child call his/her birth parents? By their first names? Nicknames? Birthmom? Mom? Hey you?
- What will our child call his birth grandparents? Grandma & Grandpa? A special nickname? First/last name?
- What role will the birth parent(s) play in our child’s upbringing? Do I view them as friendly supporters? As co-parents? As the enemy?
- Do I feel comfortable accepting parenting advice from the birth parents?
- Do I feel comfortable asking the birth parents for parenting advice?
Readers, please chime in with your own questions—and responses! What works and doesn’t work in your own open adoption?
Read more about open adoption in the May 2008 issue of Adoption World, my free monthly eZine. To subscribe, send a blank email to adoptionworld@aweber.com
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