When Should I Tell My Child He Was Adopted?

Readers ask me this question on a weekly basis. Here are two of the most recent permutations:

My husband and I adopted our first two sons from birth. We brought each of them home from the hospital and we had always planned on it being a “known” thing that they were adopted. Our oldest son, who is bi-racial, is now 6; and the other is 5. Neither of them have ever asked ANY questions and we just haven’t felt right about sitting them down and having the “talk” with them. 

We have never lied to them about anything, but nothing has ever come up. We want to talk to them, but just don’t know the right way to do it. We love them with every fiber of our being! I have since birthed two children and I can assure you there is absolutely no difference in the love! We have prayed so hard for God to prepare their hearts when we do tell them so they won’t see it as a negative thing.  Any advice?

And another one:

I’m the mom of a 2 ½-year-old adopted daughter. When is the best time to tell her the truth?

There’s no time like the present when the issue is talking with your child about adoption. Children up to about age 7 have very little concept of what it means to be adopted, so of course they’re not going to ask questions about it. But that doesn’t mean you should wait until they’re 10 or 15 or 18 or 30 to tell them they were adopted.

Adoption is not a dirty little secret that needs to be covered up. It’s not weird or strange. In simplest terms, “adoption” describes a legal means by which a child enters a family.

And while “adoption” will always be a part of your child’s identity, it does not encompass the entirety of who your child is. By fearing to tell your child he/she was adopted, you are falling prey to the very stereotype you hoped to avoid: you are announcing to your child that adoption is weird and strange. Your child will certainly pick up on those vibes, and will assume, by association, that he or she must be weird or strange.

Parents: You are an adult. It is your responsibility to discuss adoption with your child, openly and honestly, in age appropriate ways, from the minute your child enters your family. Just as you should talk with your child about sex in age appropriate ways as he grows (rather than having “the talk” when he’s 16 and hoping you’re not too late), talking about adoption should be done on a regular basis.

If you’re kicking yourself because you realize you’ve waited too long to begin discussing adoption with your child, don’t give up hope. Don’t assume that if you tell your child now, he’s going to hate you for the rest of his life (chances are, he may resent you for a while, but in the long run, he’ll appreciate you telling him).

And don’t avoid telling your child because she came from a situation in which she was abused…or her birth parents are in prison…or she was conceived during a rape…or any of the other excuses parents use to avoid sharing the awful truth. When your child is 3 or 6, she doesn’t need to know the gory details of her past. But you can explain to her that you adopted her, and reiterate how happy you are that she’s a part of your family and that you have the privilege of parenting her. As your child matures, you should reveal additional pieces of her history until she has the whole picture.

Kids are perceptive. If you’re trying to hide something, they’ll know it. And they’ll dig until they discover what you’re hiding. Wouldn’t you rather they learned the truth from you, as opposed to a cousin, a friend on the playground, or a complete stranger?

Kids are resilient. They can handle the truth and bounce back much easier than adults can. Begin bringing up adoption as a part of your everyday conversation, and gently begin to discuss your child’s adoption with him or her. You’ll all be glad you did.

Related posts:

Telling Your Child About His/Her Adoption

When Should You Tell Your Child He Was Adopted (lots of discussion on this post)

Telling The Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child

What’s The Ideal Age to Tell Your Child He/She Was Adopted?

How Often do Adopted Children Think About Adoption?

Do you have a question about adoption you'd like me to address on the Exploring Adoption blog? Please e-mail me.  Join me for more adoption Q & A in the next post. We’ll discuss: What Should I Do When My Child Wants to Find Her Birth Family?

See previous Adoption Q & A posts:

Part 1: How do I choose an adoption agency?
Part 2: Am I too old to adopt?
Part 3: Can I adopt if I’m on a limited income?
Part 4: Why is it so difficult for singles to adopt?

I go into greater detail on many other questions in my book: The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting.

For more news and information about adoption, visit www.laurachristianson.com, and check out my Exploring Adoption bookstore.

Comments

[Aimee]

I agree with you, Laura, you must start early and adoption is a beautiful word!! If a parent talks to their children about adoption as a negative then that is exactly how the child will perceive adoption but if the parent talks about the beautiful miracle adoption is and how we too are adopted as God's very own through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:5) then the child will see the beauty of adoption and how it is mirroring what He did for us!

All of our children we adopted know they are adopted and know that it was a miracle and a blessing and the funny thing is our daughter, Grace, who we birthed tells us she wishes she was adopted (she is 2!!). This is because adoption is a wonderful word in our home.

[Linda Hargrove]

As an adoptive parent, my heart goes out to the parents of biracial and transracial adopted children, and the children too, of course. Communication is so key in these situations with kids that most likely don't look like the parents.

My thinking is that although the kids don't say anything, their sense of belonging (or not) is impacted. And as adoptive parents that the last thing we want to be doing ... negatively impacting the children we brought, in an act of love, into our homes.

My three boys have the same skin color as me so I have to bring adoption up. It's an on purpose thing. We've read age-appropriate stories to them. We've rented kid movies with adoption themes. We've had Happy Adoption Day with all the party trimmings. On these occasions we talk about their adoptions. We look at their baby books. We talk about it anytime, anywhere, with anybody.

I don't think they fully grasp the entire picture but like you say, Laura, it's a process. I don't like the 'wait until the moment is right' thinking.

My prayer for the parents that are not so sure what to do is that God help them be more creative and fun with Him as their Adoptive Father starting today. And that the fun and creativity spill over into the lives of their forever children here on earth. Amen.

Linda L. Hargrove,
celebrating adoption during November at http://17seeds.blogspot.com