Failed Adoption Story: Interview With Author Melanie Dobson
Together for Good
I talked with author and adoptive mom, Melanie Dobson, to learn more about the "story behind the story."
Laura Christianson: Share a little about your family’s adoption story.
Melanie Dobson: Before we were married, Jon and I decided that we wanted to adopt, but we planned to have our "own" children first. After trying to get pregnant for several years, we turned to a doctor for help. We took all the tests, but instead of moving ahead with fertility treatments, we opted to pursue adoption instead. Nine months after we started the process, our adoption agency called to say a birthmother wanted to meet us. Laura hadn’t made a final decision about adoption, but at any moment, she was due to give birth to a boy.
A week later, we gave Laura lots of hugs at the hospital and then took home (surprise!) a beautiful baby girl. We celebrated for a week. People came with gifts, our parents flew in from out of town, and we snuggled with our daughter as we scrambled to buy a crib and clothes and diapers. As the weeks passed, we cheered as Karly smiled and rolled over and learned how to crawl.
Before Karly's adoption was final, we received a phone call from a girl I used to babysit. At twenty-two, she was pregnant and wondered if we were interested in adopting another baby. You bet!
Eleven months after Karly was born, we rushed to Charleston, S.C. to hold our second daughter a few hours after she was born. Kinzel had health complications, and we had red tape complications with the local government. But Lyn relinquished her rights at the hospital, and when the judge finally gave us the okay, we drove home with Kinzel (quickly nicknamed "Kiki" by her older sister).
The first two years were overwhelming, but God has given us the strength to keep up with these two busy toddlers (Karly turned three in June a few weeks after Kiki turned two). Even on the toughest parenting days, Jon and I are grateful for the precious gifts of our girls.
What’s the premise behind the theme of your book, Together for Good?
Together for Good is about a woman who lost a baby through a failed adoption. Twenty years later, she returns to her family's cottage on Orcas Island, Washington, as she begins the search to find out what happened to her son.
The premise of this story is very personal for our family. At the same time we were adopting Karly, our best friends were also adopting. But a week after they received their infant boy, his birthmother showed up at their front door and wanted him back.
We'd been parenting Karly for four months at this time, and her birthmother had yet to relinquish her rights. We were hurting with our friends and terrified that we may lose Karly as well. As I struggled through the questions of why did God give this baby to David and Renee and then take him back as well as what would happen to this boy, I began scribbling down the concept for this novel—a story about how God could use a heartbreaking situation like this for His good.
Our birthmother relinquished her rights a few weeks later and three months after our adoption was final, David and Renee welcomed home another beautiful baby boy. Aidan is two now and the perfect fit for their family. I don't know why the first child was taken from David and Renee, but I still pray that God will wrap His arms around this toddler where ever he is and show him how much he is loved.
How did you decide on the setting of Orcas Island? Have you lived there yourself?
One of the things I love most about writing is that I can learn new things and explore fun places like Orcas Island. I've never lived in the San Juans, but my husband surprised me a few years ago with a birthday weekend on Orcas Island. He rented a cottage on a quiet cove, and for three days, we ran our toes through the cold saltwater, laughed with the seals playing on the rocks, and watched the boats sailing in the wind.
As I started writing Together for Good, I wanted a setting where my main characters would find peace. In my mind, this restful island embodies peace, and the scenes with sailing, kayaking, and snorkeling symbolize the freedom and serenity found through Christ and His beautiful creation.
Your heroine, Abby Wagner, is a publicist. How did you use your own background in PR as you created her character?
There’s a lot of me in Abby's character. I've worked in PR for thirteen years so it was a natural fit to have this as her profession and passion. Instead of confronting her wounds, Abby distracts herself by keeping busy with her latest PR campaign. When this busyness is taken away from her, she's forced to face her past and slowly allow God to heal her and the strained relationship she has with her daughter.
It troubled me that Abby seemed so obsessed about her failed adoption 20 years after the fact. Is it typical that an adoptive parent would hold onto her hurt that long?
Before we picked up Karly from the hospital, I worried about bonding with this baby that I didn't know. Yet the second I looked into Karly’s eyes, I fell in love with her. Even though we didn't finalize our adoption for another six months, Karly was my daughter. I couldn't imagine losing her.
In Together for Good, Abby truly feels like Hunter is her son even though the adoption isn't final. She's loved him for four months, played with him, cared for him. But she doesn't realize that his birthmother is having second thoughts. When the agency takes him away, she’s shocked. Instead of facing the rage and pain and guilt over letting Hunter go, she tries to bury it and move on with her life. But twenty years after losing him, she still suffers anxiety. No matter what the courts said, Hunter was her son, and she believes she should have done more to protect him.
Henri Nouwen wrote: "The only feelings that do not heal are the ones you hide." I don't think there is any typical way to react to a failed adoption, but when someone tries to bury their pain after a traumatic situation, anxiety can flare up for decades. The more that Abby struggles to control her emotions and guilt and anger at God, the more the anxiety intensifies until she’s forced to confront her pain.
At the end of your book, you note that you’ve experienced panic attacks and adrenal stress. Is this similar to what Abby experiences as she grieves over the loss of her son for years?
People get panic attacks for a number of reasons, but some of the common elements include stifling emotion, loss of control, and guilt. Abby experienced all these things, and I’ve experienced them as well. Fortunately, there is hope for people who have panic attacks! Some people need medication. Some need counseling. Other people need rest and/or a diet change. Abby needed to release her pain and fear even though it meant giving up control. For several good resources about anxiety and adrenal stress, please visit my website (www.melaniedobson.com).
Do you feel it was fair for Abby to keep the secret of the failed adoption from her biological daughter, Jessica, for so long?
When Jessica was a child, Abby refused to tell her daughter about Hunter because she didn’t want Jessica to be afraid they might lose her too. Because Abby hid the love she had for Hunter as well as the pain from losing him, Jessica was competing with a “perfect” brother that she never knew she had. Abby and Jessica wrestle with their strained relationship throughout this book until Abby is forced to be honest with her daughter. As her own pain heals, Abby slowly releases control over Jessica’s life.
How can people who have experienced failed adoptions go on to live happy, healthy lives?
I would beg people who’ve experienced a failed adoption to not give up! There are so many children who need loving homes. I met a man once who had experienced six failed adoptions. I can't imagine what that would do to my faith and my heart after the first failure! But he and his wife persisted, and when an acquaintance casually mentioned that they knew a birthmother who was looking for a family to adopt her child, this couple welcomed home a little girl. They still grieve over the loss of the other failed adoptions yet they now know why they had to wait.
Fortunately, many states today don’t have a long relinquishment period—when we adopted Kinzel, our birthmother relinquished before she was released from the hospital. The work to complete an adoption can seem overwhelming with the mounds of paperwork, home studies, classes, and interviews. But once an adoption is finalized in the courts, it is truly final. The child that you already love is officially yours.
To learn more about author Melanie Dobson, please visit her Web site, www.melaniedobson.com. You can order a copy of Melanie's book, by clicking the link in the left sidebar of my blog.
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My husband and I have also faced the grief over not becoming pregnant. Last year our prayers were answered only to have them broken down 7 weeks into my pregnancy. We've discussed adoption but due to the financial strain we are already in we can't afford it. (We are basically on the brink of bankruptcy now). We are trying to get ourselves back on track financially and still healing from our lost angel from last year.
Posted by: Patty Johnson | Friday, July 28, 2006 at 06:17 AM