Openness In Adoption: How Much Can You Handle?

This is the eleventh in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-10 were posted September 12, 14-16, 19, October 11-13, 18 and 27.

If you’re considering adopting a child and have the opportunity to determine the level of communication you’ll have with the birth family, here are some important questions to think through:

• What level of openness am I able to handle, emotionally (it’s okay not to know).
• Am I willing to have face-to-face contact with the birth family? If so, will that contact take place before the adoption, after the adoption, or both?
• Am I willing to schedule visits with the birth family? If so, where will these visits take place? Their home? My home? A neutral location, such as a park, zoo, or restaurant?
• If I am willing to schedule visits, how many times per month/year should visits happen?
• Who am I willing to visit with? Both birth parents? Biological grandparents? Aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family? Friends of the birth parents (this often happens, because birth parents are anxious that those closest to them get to know their child).

The authors also recommend:

• Look at the history of the birthparent(s). Look at past behaviors as potential indicators of future behaviors. Ask yourself the tough questions:
• Can you develop a trusting relationship with this person?
• Have you secured a promise of pre- and post-adoption counseling?
• Is the birthfather involved? Can you get him involved?
• The authors suggest that you be “future-oriented” in terms of how you see your relationship with the birthparents evolving over the life of the child.

As an adoptive mother in two open adoptions, my best recommendation is to take things slowly, just as you would in any developing relationship. It’s better to be cautious at first and to open an adoption up more as you get to know one another than to have to shut down contact with the birth family.

Don’t be afraid to negotiate with the birth parents before the adoption takes place. You’ll all feel happier and more comfortable with one another if you’ve set some clear parameters regarding letters, phone calls, and/or visits.

Above all, never, EVER make promises to one another that you don’t intend to keep. If you adopt a baby and assure the birth parents that they can come and visit when the child is three months old, you’d better follow through on extending that invitation. On the other hand, if you’re the birth parent, make every effort to visit your child at the appointed time. This is particularly important as your child gets older. If you don’t show up for a scheduled visit, your child may assume that you don’t care about him or her.

Open adoption is a relationship based on mutual trust. Before the relinquishment takes place, birth parents often have a great deal of control over the situation. But once the adoption takes place, the power transfers to the adoptive parents and everyone’s roles flip-flop. That’s why it’s so critical to establish firm, loving boundaries and to respect one another. If all parties are committed to doing those things, everyone is likely in for a rewarding relationship that lasts a lifetime.

The biggest benefit of a successful open adoption is that it not only blesses all of the parties involved, but it serves as a beautiful example of adoption at its best for everyone with whom you share your story.

Comments

[SarahMariah]

I really think if a couple are not able to cope with visits from the natural family they might not be the sort of people who should adopt. It's not in the child's best interests not to know his or her family, especially his or her mother. Of course there are exceptions, like perhaps the family do present a danger to the baby/child/children but that's in some and not all cases.
People who adopt need to embrace the idea that they will be raising someone else's child and that they have a child that other people love and will miss and ought to see their love and parenting as something that is shared. I don't agree that couples who adopt have the right to treat their parenting the same as if they were the biological parents. And this is not meant disrespectfully to them, it's just that this is a situation that needs to take other factors into account. Firstly the child has a right to know his or her families of origin and the natural mother and extended families have a right to have contact and a relationship with the child.
If handled well and maturely then it really is in the child's best interests.
Of course that is not to say that adoption really ought to be the absolute last resort because seperating a mother and her child is not the best option to take as first choice. What do you think Laura?

[MPB]

The comments by Sarah Mariah really bug me! Yes, we adopt we are raising someone else's biological child, but the act of adoption , not merely a legal one, but a spiritual and psychological commitment, makes the child ours. Does a child deserve anything less? It is unfair to a child, in my eyes, to define those that parented them , often a day or two from birth as someone less connected to the child then the "natural" family. I have given birth as well, and I don't believe that being biologically related to someone makes you more connected, or more important.

[donna]

When you adopt you agree to treat the child as if he/she is your own. It's in the papers. You should not treat them as if they belong to someone else.