Preparing for an Adopted Child’s ‘Anniversary Response’

This is the eighth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-7 were posted September 12, 14, 15, 16, 19 and October 11-12.

The term “anniversary reaction” or “anniversary response” refers to behaviors an adopted child may exhibit on birthdays, holidays or her “gotcha” day. The sudden onset of crying bouts, sadness or inappropriate acting out during these times may mystify parents. After all, aren’t these supposed to be happy times – times the whole family anticipates with joy?

For a child who joins her family at an older age, being placed in an adoptive home is traumatic in and of itself. While she may feel happy to be a permanent part of a family, anniversaries may trigger unexpressed anxiety and sadness in your child. Because she can’t pinpoint what’s happening to her and therefore can’t verbally articulate her feelings, she may express her anxiety through inappropriate behavior.

Debbie Joy, M.S., a private practitioner who was interviewed for the book, explains that children sense anniversaries, particularly the anniversary of their placement. “It’s almost like when there is a death in the family and the particular date is forgotten. But the next year, that month comes around and that feeling of melancholy comes up and you don’t know why. Then suddenly you realize, ‘Oh my gosh. That’s when my dad died.’ But you don’t consciously acknowledge the reason at first. You subconsciously know it.”

Joy recommends that when parents assess an anniversary response, they write the date down on their calendar and prepare for it to happen again. “Next year, look for the child to demonstrate sad behaviors for a week or two around this day.”

She suggests that if parents observe sad, stressed or angry behaviors, they can broach the subject with their child, suggesting that she might be feeling sad because X happened around this time of year. Parents should then give the child an opportunity to explore her feelings.