Is Older Child Adoption Truly A Match Made In Heaven?

This is the ninth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-8 were posted September 12, 14, 15, 16, 19 and October 11-13.

When parents set up criteria for a child they’d like to be matched with, they often specify qualities such as age, race, and sex. For example, parents can indicate that they’d like to adopt a healthy, 18-month old bi-racial girl.

What most parents don’t consider is that matching has much more to do with the child’s personality and much less to do with sex, race and age, says Regina Kupecky, coauthor of Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child. Parents “assume that if they get a younger child, then everything will be okay,” says Kupecky, in an interview for The Post-Adoption Blues. She points out that a 2-year-old child may be mean and difficult, whereas a 6-year-old boy may be fine.

Kupecky recommends spending as much time as possible with the child prior to the adoption, or speaking with someone who knows the child well. I agree with Kupecky’s assessment. A few years ago, a friend was seeking to adopt a 4-year-old Russian girl. She and her husband became host families for a summer exchange program that brought Russian orphans to the U.S. for several weeks. The children lived with the families who hoped to adopt them and participated in cultural activities (read more about cultural programs for adopting orphans in my November 27, 2004 post.

The experience was a disaster. My friend hosted a child who fit her specifications, yet during the weeks the child lived with them, she wreaked havoc on everything and everyone in the family and all were left heartbroken. This family eventually adopted another child, but they learned that they couldn’t just accept what the child’s paperwork said at face value.

Everyone who adopts a child has a risk-taking mentality. Parents venture into the unknown, hoping and praying that their child will be the perfect fit for their family. Particularly when they’re adopting internationally or from foster care, parents need to be aware that adoption professionals will present the child in the best possible light. They’ll highlight the child’s endearing qualities and may gloss over some of her more difficult character traits.

Fortunately, many parents have the opportunity to get to know their child before the adoption – usually during multiple, extended visits to the child’s country of origin or during numerous visits arranged by a foster care worker. If you’re planning to adopt and you have the means to get to know your child first, it’s critical that you take advantage of that gift. Time together allows all of you to test the waters and learn whether this truly is a match made in heaven.

I thought I would never, ever advocate parents pulling out of an adoption match. I believed that once the adoption process was put in motion, it was meant to keep rolling through completion. Parents should learn to deal with anything their child could throw at them, I thought. After all, the parents chose this match and it’s their responsibility to make it work. A child isn’t a commodity to be tossed around and then discarded if she doesn’t meet our criteria.

Then some of my friends reluctantly gave up a child they planned to adopt – a foster child who had lived with them for two years. Saying goodbye broke their hearts. It broke my heart. Watching this situation unfold taught me that no matter what our best intentions, there are some situations we are incapable of dealing with. Fooling ourselves into believing we can conquer any problem a child brings with her into an adoption is wrong. And when parents realize that no amount of intervention is going to save the match or “cure” the issues the child faces, parents should seriously consider pulling out, before the adoption is finalized in court.

While giving up on an adoption – particularly if the child is already living in your home – is extraordinarily painful for everyone involved and should only be done as a last resort, it can prevent a lifetime of heartache…for the parents and the child.