Developing Realistic Expectations of Your Adopted Child

This is the seventh in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-6 were posted September 12, 14, 15, 16, 19 and October 11.

Many adoptive parents enter two cultures simultaneously: the culture of adoption and the culture of special needs children. A majority of states mandate complete and full disclosure of a child’s background information. “The adoption agency is required to provide you with the background information available to them, and they must make reasonable efforts to obtain this information,” write the authors.

However, incomplete information about a child is more the norm than the exception, in my opinion. This is particularly true for parents who adopt internationally or from foster care. Some foster children have lived in multiple homes, have gone to multiple schools, and have had multiple healthcare and mental care providers. With international adoption, one can expect translation errors, cultural differences and medical terminology variations.

When your child doesn’t meet your expectations, you experience a wide range of reactions:

• Anger – You’re angry, but you aren’t sure who to be angry with. You’re angry at yourself, your spouse, your family, your adoption agency, and your child.
• Sadness – Your expected joy dissipates into melancholy. “What will happen to us?” you wonder.
• Panic – You’re overwhelmed. Should you fight or flee? Your resources are new or unknown. You can’t relax; you can’t sleep.
• Sublimation – You ignore your challenges at home and focus your energies on constructive activities or work outside your family.
• Denial – You believe that time and love conquers all and convince yourself that your child does not need help.
• Avoidance – You avoid dealing with the situation by procrastinating, making excuses or changing the subject.

The authors say that your expectations are likely to be more realistic when you understand your child’s developmental delays. “Keep in mind that immediate impressions can be misleading,” they write. Short-term illnesses, malnutrition, jetlag and culture shock can cause a child to behave very differently during the first hours and days home.

When adopting, you should hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If you suspect that your child has special medical, emotional or developmental needs, assemble a team of professionals: teachers, daycare workers, pediatrician, child psychiatrist, social worker, etc. The authors emphasize the importance of finding therapists who understand adoption. “The assessment of your family’s needs will be much more accurate if the therapists understand loss, separation, and grief, as well as how those emotional translate into developmental needs.”

“A correct evaluation done by a competent and caring professional can save you and your child time, heartache, and frustration.”