Coping with Loved Ones Who Don’t Support Adoption

This is the tenth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-9 were posted September 12, 14-16, 19, October 11-13 and 18.

When people decide to adopt, they often feel scared about what lies ahead. They crave the support of those closest to them: family, friends, and co-workers.

Many adoptive parents struggle through fertility challenges before deciding to adopt. They’ve watched from the sidelines as family members and friends announce their pregnancies. They’ve observed the thrill of excitement that surrounds the newly-expectant parent. Now it’s their turn. They’re going to have a child, too. The adoptive parents hope that their announcement is greeted with the same spontaneous outpouring of joy. In some cases, family and friends react with shock, dismay, or lukewarm acceptance.

The adoptive parent wonders: Is it possible to have both the family’s blessing and the child? If the family doesn’t bless this decision, should I follow through with the adoption? If I adopt this child, will the family shun me, or worse, shun my child?

Then comes the period immediately after the adoption. When people give birth to a child, they’re inundated with well-wishers who bring meals, throw showers, and generally show up to help. That may not happen for adoptive parents. Employers who provide generous maternity and paternity leave for biological parents may not do the same for adoptive parents. People assume that because you weren’t physically parent, that you have everything under control – that you’re energetic and fully equipped to launch into parenting. They are soooo wrong.

The day we brought home our first child, we had just straggled off a 12-hour plane flight. We were hungry, exhausted and running on adrenaline. Because our son arrived unexpectedly, the only baby paraphernalia we owned was a car seat. Our son slept in a dresser drawer his first night with us. Talk about parents in need of a helping hand!

The authors of The Post-Adoption Blues offer helpful coping strategies for adoptive parents:

Understand that your views, philosophies, and ideas of being a parent may not match those of your family and friends. If you’re the first person in your extended family to adopt, be prepared educate them. Remember that while you have had time to mull over the idea of adopting and to emotionally prepare for it, your decision may come as a surprise to your loved ones.

Family members, especially, may warn you that you’re taking a huge risk. Future grandparents may grieve that genetic carbon copies of the family “bloodline” will not continue through your child. If you plan to adopt transracially, you may have to deal with prejudice issues.

Those close to you will either “get” it, or they won’t. Try not to take their reaction personally. They may be reacting to some adoption story they’ve seen on TV, read about in the paper, or heard from the friend of a friend. Give them time to adjust to your decision. Decide how much information they can handle in one chunk. Discuss their fears and share with them what you’ve done to approach this path to parenthood.

If you have a spouse, let your spouse deal with his family and you deal with your family. That way, you won’t end up resenting one another because one of you took on the burden of telling everyone.

Surround yourself with people who “get” adoption. You’ll gain strength and a sense of belonging by joining an adoptive support group, meeting other adoptive parents (or future parents) or by attending adoption workshops.

Set boundaries to protect yourself and your child. “Even with time and your best efforts, some family members may not choose to accept your child or to see you as a legitimate parent,” write the authors. One adoptive mom, whose mother was completely nonsupportive, finally told her mom: “I’m not asking you for your opinion. I’m telling you for your information. I’m going to be a mother. You can be a grandmother or not. It’s okay.”

Communicate your needs with loved ones. “Educating others about adoption and educating others about your needs are two different issues,” write the authors. Think about what you’ll need, pre- and post-adoption. Make a list of specific, concrete statements and rehearse them before you approach your loved ones.

Comments

[SarahMariah]

perhaps some people are less enthusiastic about adoption because they recognize that it is also a loss for another family. adoption means the seperation of mother and child which causes both parties loss and grief. adoption also touches many people's lives, siblings yet to be born, cousins, grandparents, extended family on both the natural mother and father's side.
it's important to recognize this and to acknowledge that adoption is not all positive and wonderful. perhaps we can learn from those that are less than enthusiastic rather than just avoid them and hang out with people who as you say "get it".
it's in the child's best interests not to force feed him or her with the mistaken concept that they are chosen and isn't wonderful that they are adopted. No it's not wonderful that they are seperated from their mother and family, we need to respect that they suffer a loss as well as gaining a new family.