Adopting Your Dream Child – What Happens When Things Go Wrong?

This is the sixth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-5 were posted September 12, 14-16, and 19, 2005.

Most adoptive parents fantasize about adopting their “dream child.” You hope against hope that your child will be okay, no matter what issues or problems you have been forewarned about. If you adopt a newborn, you are even more likely to envision that your child will be okay.

When you discover that things are not okay, “you feel you’ve been asleep, gliding along, and now you’re facing a challenge that overwhelms you,” write the authors. You may learn about a particular challenge soon after your child arrives home. Or you may suspect that your child has a developmental challenge or learning difference but your informal diagnosis isn’t confirmed until your child begins attending school.

You can read books; you can attend workshops, but nothing quite prepares you for the reality of hearing the words: “Your child has fetal alcohol syndrome.” Or “Your child has an auditory processing disorder.”

I speak from experience. We adopted our children when they were newborns, and they were the perfect picture of health and good nature. It wasn’t until they each reached end of second grade that they were diagnosed with a learning difference (we politically correct folks don’t call them “learning disabilities” anymore, I learned).

My husband and I had suspected that certain behaviors and developmental milestones our children exhibited were not typical. Yet, because the “symptoms” our kids exhibited weren’t severe, we weren’t quite able to pin down what was wrong. Meanwhile, I mentally beat myself up, wondering if their issues were a result of poor parenting, poor genes or were just a fluke of nature.

It wasn’t until several alert teachers and school psychologists – who are trained to recognize such things – suggested that we have our children tested, that we received a definitive diagnosis. It was a huge relief to finally pinpoint the medical cause of our kids’ respective issues. The diagnosis empowered me to stop placing blame. Instead, I worked on creating an environment that would allow each child to function as normally as possible within the limits of his learning differences.

And I was no longer alone. I had assistance from the school psychologist, school therapist, resource room teacher, classroom teachers, principal, and medical professionals.

Grieving over the loss of one’s fantasy child can be a long and emotionally wrenching process. But it’s essential – both for maintaining your own healthy outlook on life and for equipping your child to face life’s challenges. Parents who never come to terms with their child’s challenges may unwittingly make the child feel as if she’s responsible for something that is totally outside of her control.

Tomorrow, we’ll discuss common parental reactions to unmet expectations.

Comments

[Laura]

It is nice to see people finally discussing this topic. My daughter seemed the picture of health in China. She was happy and healthy. She and two other babies in our travel group were the same age, and though she was healthier than the other two, she couldn't sit unsupported. At her first American Check-up, there was concern about dislocated hips. The x-rays showed her hips to be fine. A few months later there was concern that she wasn't walking. When Early Intervention finally came to assess her, she was walking. She was reassessed six months later and began physical therapy. Four months later she was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy. She has been home a year and a half!! It was hard for me to really accept. I had worked a United Cerebral PAlsy for 8 years aa a muci therapist and I didn't see it in my own daughter!! I might have helped to get therapy sooner, but she is doing great in therapy, Wear little multi-colored braces and is a very intelligent, mildly disabled child and I wouldn't change a thing!!