Myths About Bonding

This is the fifth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1-4 were posted September 12, 14, 15, and 16, 2005.

Chapter 3 addresses several myths parents have about attaching with their child:

Myth #1: “I will immediately feel that this is my child.”

Everything we’ve heard about bonding tells us it’s supposed to be natural, spontaneous, instantaneous, and intense. I’ve had many parents tell me, “I saw a photo listing on the Internet and a picture of this sweet little girl just jumped out at me. I knew instantly that she was my child.”

While Super-Glue bonding does take place, more often than not, it doesn’t. And when a parent struggles, after weeks or even months, to feel any sense of connection with their child, everyone’s anxiety levels skyrocket.

Myth #2: “I will like this child.”

Of course we all plan to like our children. We are determined to like them. But many parents admit, “I love my child but I don’t like her.” The reluctance to like one’s child can occur when parent and child have different temperaments, personalities and life experiences (particularly in the case of an institutionalized child).

Myth #3: “If I maintain some emotional distance, I won’t get hurt.”

Guarding one’s emotions happens regularly with foster parents who are making the transition between fostering and becoming legal parents. During this taxing time, there may be custody issues, court appearances and stressful visits with birth parents. The adoptive parents begin to wonder, “Will I ever be this child’s parent?” They try to protect their feelings by erecting emotional walls between themselves and the child.

Myth #4: “I will handle the changes in lifestyle that parenting brings.”

“Children are children: dependent, raw, impulse-driven small beings who need direction, time, and discipline. They are not little adults. They are not born with an innate sense of right and wrong. They are exhausting, lovable little creatures that make you nearly forget what life was like before they came to you.”

The day-to-day reality of parenting is very different – and extraordinarily more tiring – than what many parents envisioned, testing the mettle of even the most stalwart parent.

How to cope? Thankfully, the authors don’t just leave us hanging, but offer some helpful coping strategies. They include:

Know when to seek help. If you’ve given the bonding thing some time and you’re still feeling overwhelmingly sad, paralyzed or panicked, or you’re considering harming yourself or your child, seek help immediately.

Forgive yourself. Your decision to adopt was made in good faith and with good intentions. Give yourself a break. You don’t have to be Super Parent.

Prioritize your life. The addition of a child can shake your equilibrium. Spend some time setting priorities, determining how realistic they are and figuring out what adjustments you need to make.

Provide respite care for yourself. Spending 24/7 with your child and feeling frustrated because you aren’t bonding can make you feel even more frustrated. A parenting break – which could be as simple as a dinner out or as complex as putting your child in daycare – may be the fix you need to save your sanity.

Seek professional help through counseling. A counselor who understands the dynamics of adoption and who is well acquainted with loss, grief and separation issues might be just the ticket. When looking for a therapist, the authors recommend asking “what therapeutic interventions are used, what the therapist’s background in adoption is, their philosophy of adoption and what contact with adoption they have had personally and professionally.” Local adoption professionals should be able to refer you to therapists who specialize in adoption issues.

Confide in someone who loves you. “Sharing the secrets of your heart takes away the secrets’ power.” Disclosing your shame, guilt and anger to a nonjudgmental friend who validates your feelings may help get you over the hump.

Seek strength in spiritual renewal. Your faith is very likely what led you to adopt in the first place; call on it to help you cope with the stress and learn to truly love your child.

Comments

[Jenn]

Hey - great posts (as usual). You continue to point out the realities of parenting (both for adoptive parents and non-adoptive parents) in a genuine, helpful manner. Thanks so much!

[d]

This is not the case with birth parents. Birth parents are told of how much more adoptive parents can love your child than you. That they are highly screened and given classes. I had my daughter taken and volunteered at a pregnancy center. Pregnant girls are obviously lied to. It is a cultural phenomena that adoption is romanticized since around the 1940's. Some people who can have their own children adopt thinking they are rescuing a child when social workers apply near force to obtain a child. Birth parents rarely go through these emotions. The system is highly flawed.