Four Strategies Single Adoptive Parents Can Use to Cope with Stress

This is Part 2 of an interview with Diane Lostrangio, Executive Director of New Hope Child and Family Agency in Seattle. In Part 1 (Sept. 26, 2005), we discussed parent-child bonding. Today we discuss some coping strategies single parents can use when they’re feeling overwhelmed.

Anxious moments

It’s normal for all parents, whether they’ve just given birth to a baby or adopted, to feel moments…hours…especially in the middle of the night, of the hugeness of the responsibility pressing. This sense of responsibility becomes magnified for single parents, even if they have a good support system. They feel the additional pressure of, it’s all about me. If something should happen to me, there’s no one to step in.

Coping mechanism #1: Talk to your adoption social worker

If you’re having trouble coping, there’s no benefit in being stoic about it. Talk to your social worker about it. If you’re candid with your caseworker and your caseworker has any experience with singles, the caseworker can give you the context for what’s normal. The caseworker can also reflect on your progress over time. When you’re in the middle of it, you don’t see the progress in your own ability to cope. Sometimes, it’s tremendously reassuring to realize that parenting may still feel overwhelming at times, but at this point, two months out, you’re coping a whole lot better than you were at two weeks out. It’s important to have somebody who can mirror that progress back to you. Your social worker and another adoptive parent are the best choices to do that.

Coping mechanism #2: Hook up with other adoptive parents

The best place to feel freest [about sharing frustrations] is with other adoptive parents who have walked the path. They’ll understand and they’ll have a good intuitive sense about whether your feelings are so pervasive that you may need professional support. Those who are not acquainted with adoption may have a hard time with the fact that you’re having these feelings. I would reserve my free speech for those who know the path best.

Your agency can give you the name of another adoptive parent who is not quite in the same phase that you’re in. It’s great to hook people up with other people who have walked similar past, but are further along in the progression.

Coping mechanism #3: Learn from your child

Children teach us a lot about the need to slow down. Our culture presses us to work harder and faster. Kids teach us to stay in the moment. If you do a lot of future thinking and planning, try to catch yourself – to bask in reading books or pushing your child on a swing. Enjoy those moments, because they do teach us to slow down; they teach us about the important things in life.

Coping mechanism #4: Let it go

Whether you’re two working parents or a single parent, let go of some of the stuff that isn’t going to matter in the long term, like the house being messy and things being out of order. Learn to tolerate more disarray; keep dinner simple and focus on making the transition from daycare into the evening a positive one.

Typically, you get your child at the end of the day and they’re ready to see you. You feel like you’re on the track of, “I’ve gotta get dinner going; I’ve gotta get a load of laundry in.”

Kids from orphanages and foster care are skilled at tuning into emotional states because their well-being depends on learning how to work with that.

But we get task oriented and forge ahead. Then both parent and child melt down.

If you can figure out a way to get in the door and have some down time together, you can diffuse acting out, crying and power struggling and you’re both going to feel a lot better.

Rather than heading immediately into the kitchen to start cooking the meal, eat some finger food or fruit. That way, you satisfy the initial need to get some food in you, and you can sit and cuddle and read a book, which is what a small child will really be needing after they haven’t seen you all day.