Entitlement in Parenting

This is the fourth in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Parts 1, 2, and 3 were posted September 12, 14, and 15, 2005.

When adoptive parents feel a lack of entitlement, it means that they believe they have taken something that isn’t rightfully theirs, or that they have taken it because their socioeconomic status enabled them to.

This lack of entitlement happens often when “rich Americans” adopt children from Third World countries.  I’ve visited several Haitian orphanages for abandoned, disabled children. Even in the best-maintained orphanages, the odor of urine intensified in the sweltering heat. Flies buzzed and alighted on the children’s faces and eyes. Some children slept on mats on the floor, for lack of beds. There wasn’t enough food, medicine, or physical therapy equipment.

I wanted to take all those children home with me; to give them a better life. I thought of their parents, who abandoned then – not because they didn’t love them – but because they already had too many mouths to feed. In Haiti, disabled  children are considered by many to be lower than dogs. Disabled children often wander the streets and when they’re adults, they can’t find work. In  Haiti, one's children are one’s life insurance policy – the children grow, find jobs and help care for their parents in their old age. It made me cringe to think of the privileges that I take for granted, just because I am an American. I think of that Haitian mother’s hope and dreams for her child and wonder whether I could ever be good enough to fulfill them.

Parents in open adoptions may feel this same lack of entitlement. “Claiming parentage while the birthmother is holding her child in a hospital bed and grieving her loss can be difficult, to say the least,” write the authors.

“The adoptive mother feels torn between the intense bond that has formed between herself and the birthmother. They have talked, shared, become family, and now the adoptive mother is faced with a choice: In this vulnerable time after the child is born, with whom should her loyalties lie?”

When our second son was born, his birth father called us in the middle of the night and announced, “You have a baby boy. What do you want to name him?”

My first thoughts were: Can this be happening? Are they really going to allow us to parent their son? Just how much courage did it take for him to make that announcement? Do we deserve this? Can we ever thank them enough for this gift?

We met the biological great grandparents of our oldest son when he was a week old. They hadn’t met their great grandson yet and weren’t sure they wanted to, knowing that he was going to be adopted. But they came, to meet their grandson in what they suspected would be a final “Hello” and “Goodbye.”

I know they wanted to think of my husband and I as “the enemy” – the people who were stealing their great grandson away from them. My husband and I, enamored with our beautiful new son, were so full of delight that we were fairly oblivious to their grief. And yet something indescribable happened during that get-together. We handed them their grandson, saying, “Go see your grandpa.” And they looked at us with shining eyes. We had just entitled them to be this child’s great grandparents.

And they entitle us to be his parents, every time they come to visit. Great Grandma always declares, “When people ask me how many grandchildren I have, I always include Ben in the mix. He may not be living in my immediate family, but he’s still my great grandson.”

Diane Lostrangio, executive director of New Hope Child and Family Agency in Seattle, told me  that entitlement is one of the most difficult – and unexpected – challenges that new adoptive parents experience. When she does follow-up visits with new families, Diane asks, “So, do you feel like Mom yet?’ She doesn’t ask, “When did you feel like Mom?”

Because the adoption process is so uncertain, parents tend to guard their hearts against disappointment, and therefore, don’t always do the necessary emotional work of preparing to parent. When their child arrives home, they feel as if they’re babysitting someone else’s child. “It takes a while to feel like it’s really happening and that they can enjoy this,” says Diane.

The authors of The Post-Adoption Blues suggest that parents journal their feelings – all the frightening secrets and emotions they’re experiencing as they settle into their role as parents. Also important is eating healthfully, exercising and getting enough sleep (easier said than done). Focusing on your own needs will give you the strength, determination and emotional resources to be the best parent you can be.

Comments

[Gwen]

The entitlement issue was not as big a deal for me with my daughters that I brought home as infants from the hospital. My son came to us as a 3 1/2 year old child who had been with his birthmother since birth (with exceptions it was a difficult life to say the least.) He has been with us just over a year and I still have entitlement issues. A lot of it has to do with him remembering another Mommy. This is such a great resource! I know I have said it but I must go purchase this book! Thanks for sharing!

[Katie]

You are a stronger person than I am. I don't know that I could ever be involved in an open adoption. That's the main reason my husband and I went overseas to adopt our children. I just couldn't live with the thought that someday a woman or man would come to my home and tell my children "I'm your real parent".

[Suzanne]

There is a difference between a sense of entitlement and truly loving and helping a child. No one is ENTITLED to a child. No one. While there are reasons for some children to be adopted by people outside their family or even their culture, I strongly disagree (and find it disturbing to see adoption defined by entitlement) that anyone should actually feel entitled to any child. Entitlement is about possessing, not about the child. Adoption is supposed to be about the child(ren), not an adults sense of entitlement.

[adoptionmomma]

I totally agree with suzanne. NO ONE is entitled to take someone's child from them. Your point of view as an adoptive parent is sickening. No wonder there is such a dire need to educate other people about adoption with attitudes like this going around. The fact it exists in the adoption community is disturbing to say the least.
You make a CHOICE to adopt a child that is not of your own biological makeup, but you are not ENTITLED to take that child away from their family because you don't like the situation. I hope that you're not raising your children to feel entitled to everything in life and that you aren't making them show gratitude for "rescuing them" from their circumstances, but based on the viewpoints here I'm not so sure. I feel for your kids. This is totally a backwards way of thinking and totally NOT what adoption should be about- entitlement that is.

[Laura Christianson]

Hmmm...I think adoptionmamma may have misinterpreted my comments. First, this blog post is reporting on and reflecting on an excerpt I read in a book, so my suggestion would be to read "The Post-Adoption Blues" so you get the whole picture of what the authors describe as "entitlement."

Second, I don't think any adoptive parent in their right mind feels "entitled" to "take a child away from their family" (although I have met some parents who feel they are "rescuing" a child, which, frankly, upsets me).

As I stated very clearly in my post, our sons' birth parents chose us to parent their child --we did not coerce them, take their child away from them, or in any sense "rescue" their child from a bad situation.

Our son's birthparents' choice had little to do with our circumstances but everything to do with their own circumstances.

What I was referring to this in my post was the feelings I worked through after our son came to live with us. Parenting him felt surreal for a while, until I accepted the fact that I truly was his parent.

I didn't feel entitled to my child, as Suzannne and adoptionmomma assumed, but I needed to learn how to feel entitled to parent. It takes a while to grasp the reality of becoming a parent--whether you give birth to your child or adopt your child. That's what "entitlement" means to me...that slow dawning realization that "I truly am this child's parent," and how wondrous that realization is.

And nope, I am not raising my children to feel entitled in life...they will be the first ones to tell you that!

Several of their friends and classmates (who were not adopted) seem to feel entitled to "have it all." I can't tell you how many kids my husband (who teaches high school) and I have met who say, "Why should I study in school? Why should I care? I'm going to inherit my parents' company someday, anyway, so why bother studying?"

We also know several parents who coddle their kids during their school years because they have a learning challenge. They use their child's learning challenge as an excuse for letting their kid get away with doing nothing. They say, "Oh, poor Billy has ADHD. He just can't remember to do his assignments, so you have to give him all the time in the world to make them up."

I don't buy into that philosophy. Our own kids, both of whom face learning challenges, have never been allowed to use their challenges as an excuse for not doing their schoolwork. Rather than allowing our children to feel "entitled" because of their challenges, we work with them to help them understand their learning differences and we help them find ways to work around their challenges so that they can be as successful as they are capable of. It's a constant, frustrating challenge, but one that we, as parents, are responsible for overseeing.

Whew, I got totally off track, but I hope this clarifies my feelings on the topic.