Bonding With Your Adopted Child

A couple of years ago, when I was writing a story for Working Mother magazine about a single, professional woman who adopted a toddler from Bulgaria, I interviewed Diane Lostrangio, Executive Director of New Hope Child and Family Agency in Seattle. It’s a treat to talk with Diane, because she’s a wealth of information about adoption (she’s also an adoptive mom). This two-part series includes excerpts from our interview, in which we discussed bonding. Although we were discussing bonding as it pertains to single parents, Diane’s comments are equally applicable to two-parent families:

From Dream World to Real World

With international adoption in particular, there’s so much anticipation, buildup and so many hurdles to jump in terms of the dossier, the paperwork, the delays, and the ups and downs of what’s happening in that country, that a letdown comes after you come home. If you’ve traveled overseas, the trip can be exciting in and of itself. You stay in that country; your laundry’s getting done; you’re eating your meals out. All you do in that country is concentrate on your new child. The job isn’t calling. And then you get back home to reality.

Parenting has a different rhythm than work

The adoption process can feed the sense that you’re really well prepared to parent. You have to pass this test, so to speak. You’ve been through the homestudy; you’ve undergone scrutiny. Adoptive parents are typically older; they’re established professionally. They often work in spheres where working harder and working smarter helps them overcome the difficulty. A lot of parenting, especially in the early years, is just managing the changing terrain.

Give yourself permission to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

One of the sad realities for adoptive parents is that they don’t feel a lot of permission to have the normal mix of feelings that any parent does. Typically their process is very public – everyone has been pulling for them. They’re taking a great deal of initiative in overcoming tremendous obstacles to become a parent. Everybody presumes that this is the answer to prayer. We feed into the notion that somehow, a child, a relationship can completely fulfill us. And the reality of any relationship is that no one person is going to meet all your needs. Talk to any mother about a day home with a child. You love them but there are times when you get very frustrated.

Devote your attention to bonding

There needs to be high-level attentiveness to the whole bonding piece. Even infant adoptees and newborns go through a transition in caregivers. Everything that’s familiar – sounds, feel, smells – changes, two days, three days post-birth. Just because infants can’t express it in the same way as older children doesn’t mean that they’re not undergoing a change. It’s optimal if there can be some high-level availability on the part of the primary parent to that infant through that time.

The first year is critical

[Parents should] devote as much time as possible to optimizing time with their child in the early months and the first year. The first year is a critical transition period. I think of the transition and adjustment as being at least a full year. With older kids, you can view the transition time as far longer than that. When you’re talking about an infant-toddler, expect a full year where getting that child transitioned is a high-level priority in your life.

Take time off your job, if possible

Singles need to take off as much time as they can possibly take after the child’s placement. Especially if the child is a little bit older, people tend to underestimate what the child’s needs are and how much the child will need. Kids who have been in orphanage care often make a very good transition into day care, but you want to orient them to family life.

Plan different scenarios

Ask yourself: How much time can I take off before I have to go back to work? You might say: I think I can hypothetically swing two months off and then she’ll start child care. Keep in mind that you’re going from two months off to full time child care. Think through whether that feels the best for you and for the child.

Another option might be to look at four weeks home and the equivalent of those hours that you would have taken off in those four weeks of gradually entering the child in to childcare. This is true for couples who both work, too, but for singles it’s more critical.

Some of that will be influenced by how your child’s adjustment goes. Some kids adjust very well and seem ready to bond. You don’t always know what’s going to feel optimal to your child. If you get really attached to one scenario and you realize that it is not working for your child, that’s going to deepen your sense of being overwhelmed.

Find balance

If you’re single, it’s going to be a radical shift to go from defining all of your time outside of work to be able to do whatever you want to, to being “on,” all the time. If you’re adopting an older child or an internationally adopted child who’s been in orphanage care, the time you’re not working does need to be largely devoted to building the bond and the attachment with the child. However, if you don’t build in some time for yourself, you’ll get burned out and you’ll feel isolated. It’s a balance.

Recognize that, in the early years of your child’s life, you’re not going to be pursuing lots of your favorite hobbies and pursuits. You’re going to be attending to your work. You’re going to be spending as much time with your child and trying to build in those pockets of down time for yourself so that you don’t get burned out. There’s a limit to quality time. Kids need quantity time, too.

Stay tuned for Part 2, when we’ll discuss ways for frazzled parents to cope.