Adoption for Control Freaks

This is the second in a series of reflections about a book I’m reading: The Post Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Karen J. Foli and John R. Thompson. Part one was posted September 12, 2005.

“The adoption process is more about unpredictable, unavoidable, exasperating snafus than about control.” (The Post-Adoption Blues, by Karen Foli and John Thompson)

Ain’t that the truth?! I’ve known plenty of control freaks (myself included) who have decided to adopt. And hold on, baby—adoption is the chaos Olympics for those of us who crave orderliness.

The authors of The Post-Adoption Blues write, “For those of us who enjoy a certain amount of certainty in our lives, adoption can be quite stressful” [amen to that]. “The preadoptive parent realizes how little control she has, and she tries to compensate by exerting influence over the things she can control, such as gathering the necessary paperwork.”

True again. I remember almost reveling in the paperwork. That was the one thing I could get a handle on. But then we had to wait for those dratted letters of recommendation to come in (What would our friends say about us? Would they write that we’d be good parents or would they recommend that we never be allowed to get within 50 feet of a child?).

Then there were the birthparents. Why should a 16-year-old and a 17-year-old be allowed to determine whether we would achieve our dream of becoming parents? It just didn’t seem right.

Even our adoption caseworker seemed determined to snatch what little vestige of control we had left when she repeatedly asked, “Are you sure you’ve come to terms with your infertility? Are you absolutely certain that you want to create your family through adoption?”

We wanted to scream, “Yes, we’re sure! Just let us get on with it, already!” But we just nodded and smiled (and gritted our teeth).

But I digress. The authors’ main point is that preadoptive parents exert so much energy into getting a child that the emotional tank is empty by the time their child finally arrives. The parents “have attained a major life goal: parenting. Instead of understanding that the journey has only begun, some adoptive parents feel that the goal has been accomplished.”

Rather than allowing the adoption process to become all-consuming, the authors recommend that parents put more energy into preparing for parenting. It’s a point well-taken; one that makes me exhausted just thinking about it. But stay tuned for more…I’ve only finished Chapter 1!

Comments

[Ninotchka]

I'm really enjoying this series. As you know I interviewed Karen for one (or two?) of my articles. She's a great gal with wonderful insights on so many aspects of the adoption process. :)

[Gwen]

I too am enjoying this series! I'm really thinking I need to read this book! I appreciate you sharing!-Gwen