What Happens When Birth Parents Want Their Child Back?

The worst fear of every parent who adopts domestically is that a birth parent will decide he or she wants the child back. That’s exactly what happened in two custody battles that culminated Friday in two very different outcomes.

The first case involved a Florida boy, now 3 ½, whose birth mother placed him for adoption in May 2001, when he was two days old. A month before the adoption was supposed to be finalized, the boy’s biological father filed a motion demanding custody. At that time, the judge informed the adoptive parents that the birth father would likely gain custody.

The birth mother supported the adoption until it appeared the court might grant the birth father’s request for custody. In late December 2004, the birth mother was awarded custody (she lives in Illinois, is married to someone else and has an infant daughter) and the birth father was given liberal visitation rights. The adoptive parents appealed the ruling but the court took no action, so today, the little boy went to live with his biological mother.

The second case mirrors the first one: a birth mother made an adoption plan and placed her son with a Colorado couple when he was 3 days old. The boy is now 21 months old. Somewhere along the line (I don’t have the details but I assume it must have been fairly soon after the boy was born), the birthmother changed her mind and won rulings from judges in Missouri (her home state) and Colorado that her son be returned to her. The Colorado Supreme Court intervened and said that a District judge needed to decide what was in the “best interests” of the child in determining custody.

Wonder of wonders, the birth mother and adoptive parents agreed privately that the boy’s adoptive parents should continue their role as parents and his birth mother will move to Colorado to be near him and involved in critical decisions as he grows up. “He has three people who absolutely love him so much that they’d be willing to do anything,” said the boy’s biological mother.

A few reflections:

Adoptive parents tend to live in denial. We yearn long and hard for a child. When it appears that we’re finally being given the opportunity to adopt one, we’re prepared to move mountains to assure that happens. Sometimes, that means ignoring the obvious. When biological parents challenge the adoption early on, we continue parenting “our” child in the desperate hope that the court system will miraculously change and grant us custody. After all, we’ve already jumped through so many hoops to bring “our” beloved child home. We are convinced that we will be better parents than the birth parents, and that once the child comes to live in our home, he is ours, period. Our emotions and our love for the child overcome our common sense.

History proves that adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents. It doesn’t matter whether the adoptive parents believe they're better parents. It doesn’t matter what’s in “the best interests” of the child. It doesn’t matter whether the birth mother decides she needs to parent her child because she hates the birth father and can’t stand the thought of him regaining custody. It doesn’t matter whether the birth parents acted as if they could care less about their child when he was born, and suddenly, they decide they love him dearly. Adoption laws almost always favor the biological parents.

No matter how heart-wrenching it would be to return the child to his birth parents at the first sign of a court challenge, I believe it is in the best interest of the child to do so. I often hear about adoptive parents who are embroiled in court battles for years in the desperate hope that they’ll be able to retain custody of their child. And it rarely happens. Everyone ends up heartbroken, especially the child who is ripped from the only home he has known. The media, of course, makes a big splash about the event, and fears about adoption continue to be perpetuated.

These scenarios remind me of the Bible story from 1 Kings 3:16-28, in which two prostitutes testify before King Solomon. The two women give birth (in the same house) within three days of one another. During the night one of the newborns dies. The mother of the dead baby switches the two babies, but in the morning, the other mother recognizes that the dead baby isn’t hers. The two women argue before King Solomon about whose baby is whose. He asks for a sword and orders that the baby be cut in two. “Give half to one and half to the other,” he proclaims.

While the woman whose son died is content to see the baby cut in two, the woman whose son is alive has compassion for her son and cries out, “Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!”

While I certainly don’t advocate cutting a child in half in order to resolve a custody battle, that’s often what happens to a child, figuratively speaking. I’m so grateful for the parents who truly did consider the best interests of their child and decided to implement what is essentially an open adoption. The adoptive parents and birth mother put selfishness aside and let love and compassion guide them.

Comments

[katie absher]

It isn't so cut and dry folks. Many states give a birth parent very minimal time to change their mind. Many birth parents "think" they are doing the right thing. Unfortunately desperate circumstances (loss of work, problematic relationship, no support from family emotionally) can change in a moment. Adoption is forever. Also, many birth parents have every intention of placing but when they see their child, they can't. Then some feel obligated to place because the adopters helped them in some way. The bible says only the wicked snatch the fatherless from the breast for a pledge for grain. No one wants to help a mother keep her baby. They only want to help her if they get the baby. The adoption industry makes billions of dollars a year off little babies. Adoption was always meant to give a little baby a home. Not infertile, advantaged people babies. You can't mix capitalism with adoption and expect things not to go awry.
There are a lot of dynamics in the whole process. It isn't always just two irresponsible people have sex and are sorry and give the baby away to a wonderful couple who really wants a baby. That is delusional propaganda the industry uses to maintain how necessary adoption is to people.

What about the adoption agencies that use 800 numbers with advertisements saying "are you scared and desperate and pregnant" and you call and they start right there talking you out of your baby.

They tell you how wonderful you are to chose adoption. How much advantage your child will have and how crazy you would be to keep your baby since your scared and desperate.
Do you people know about that?

How about the putative father registries designed to negate birthfathers out of their babies.
How many 18-year-old boys do you think know if they could possibly get anyone pregnant, they better go to the Human Resource department and sign a statement saying they are daddy within 60 days or guess what? You are out.

If that is the case, they should have acknowledgment forms with each draft card.

I know all of you think you know what adoption is about, but it is much deeper than you could imagine.
It isn't cut and dry. These aren't decisions to be made, they are human lives, blood bound with the mother and father.
Desperation could make that small for a temporary moment. But nothing can compare to the pain that a mother or father can feel post adoption. It is an ache that never ends. Never.

What about when adopters are sorry?
What about when you find out that the mother had an affair all through the adoption process, was arrested while your baby was in the ER for fighting with the husband she was cheating on? What about when they separate when your baby is only 6-months-old. Meantime, you are on the phone for months, begging for your baby back cause you know you made a mistake and that is your flesh and your child and nothing was bad enough to not keep him and you were enough, you weren't nothing.
What about when they are dying? What can you do then, but sit back and know in your heart that you made the worst mistake you could have ever made and there is NOTHING you can do about it but pray to God to bring your child back to you and their brothers and sisters, where they belong? Where they will be truly understood.

What about when the person that adopted your child has negated you to everyone they can,lied about their own innocence and no one knows?
What about when you only had 9 days to say "No" and they take a promised open adoption and say "nevermind". When they had NO intention of honoring it. Who could have an affair, use their rich husbands money to pay $5,000 dollars to an agency and 15,000 dollars to an attorney, while you are on medicaid to have a baby they want? The very same person who could lie and never honor promises. The same person who could dope your baby since 4-years-old with adderall because they weren't designed to handle them.
Now, let's see.

Affairs
Divorce
Dope
Death

That is the better life one baby got.
And the mother was trash, huh?

Life's drama is temporary. Adoption is permanent. Your love for your child will never stop and the hurt and ache you will have for them will NEVER end. Don't adopt, if God wanted you to have a baby you would.
Go help an 8-year-old with no home. All those children with no one wanting them because they aren't infants.
Maybe you have money and no child, so you can help a desperate person keep their baby.
Ever thought of that.
And if the adopter above ever reads this.
Yes, you reap what you sow.
But he is reaping also.
We do pray for you and love you despite what you have done to so many people, just to have your picket fence.
God sees all of it.
He really does.

[hris]

i just got a email from my ex saying she had my son 4 years ago she never told me about this befor. she also told me that my son is now adopted and has been for a while. Is there anything i can do to get my son back?

[Chelsea]

I am a birthmom to a 4 year old beautiful little boy. At the time of my son's adoption I had a 2 1/2 year old from a previous relationship and after a month of trying to be a mother to both with no help, I realized I just couldn't handle it. Emotionally, Physically, or financially! I made the decision to give my baby up for adotion and continue raising my 2 year old. It felt it was in both of their best interests. Most of my family was very supportive and helped me out. Especially my mother. My aunt knew of a family who had been struggling for years with fertility and wanted a baby badly. They had not yet considered adoption but when my aunt spoke to them about it they quickly accepted. We began the process. It was very very hard for me but I forced myself to stay strong! I was allowed through the state of Michigan 7 days to change my mind. 3 days after I signed the paperwork, and the countdown began my best friend of 7 years committed suicide! I couldn't seem to grieve for both at the same time. My life became so shook up. After a couple months.. I was doing okay. I kept in touch with the birthmom some as we'd agreed to an open adoption. We talked on the phone a little, emailed, sent letters. We continued to do so for the next year or so until I she decided that it was best that we only communicate through letters. Then about another year letter I apparently expressed too much emotion in regards to loving my birthson that she decided only 2 letters per year. Another year went by, and that turned into 1 letter per year. Now, after 4 years the contact has been cut back to 1 correspondence per year, and I can't even send it directly to them. I have to send it to their attorney. I agreed to an open adoption. I had become okay with the one letter a year until that came along. This July for his fourth birthday I custom made a birthday card with pictures of me, and my new fiance' and my birthsons two half brothers and about a month later I recieved a letter from their attorney reminding me that I'm only to send my correspondences through him and if I don't respect the limits that the adoptive parents have set that they will no longer send me any updates! Needless to say, I'm not very happy with the adoption. Do I want my birthson back! YES! Will I ever go through with it? Absolutely not. I would never traumatize him like that. He has been with his adoptive family since he was just a couple months old! That's his mommy and daddy! I have two other children that I would never wish being torn from me upon...why would I want that for my birthson! I don't agree with birthmothers changing their mind to a certain point...up to 6 months old maybe..but beyond that...birthparents need to deal with it. Everybody has a different story, this is true! But your story shouldn't matter when it's going to scar a child for the rest of his/her life! We need to be the adults and be responsible about the decisions we've made. Do I wish that my b-son's a-parents would have let me have more contact..of course! I always will. We agreed to an open adoption and they knew at the time of the adotion I had hoped for a visit every couple years or a phone call from time to time...now I've nothing! Some of which is my own fault apparently for sharing to much with them at times...but I've been punished enough for that. Now I don't know what to do. I could probably hire an attorney and fight to get a contact agreement put in writing. But I've got two boys in my life that need their Mom to be strong for them...I'll never let them see me fall apart of this..but that doesn't mean I don't! I'll have to answer to them someday too when they are older. So for all you birthmom's out there considering adoption...be sure to take your time with the decision and if your already sure that's what you want, choose your family wisely. And for all the adoptive parents out there, we're not all birthmoms who don't care. Most of us really did give out children up in love and we really do just want to see them grow up, and hear their laughter! Don't take that away from us too! I'd love to hear everyone's responses and I know this post won't show my email, and I'll probably never find this website again. So please email me your comments, advice, or your story! chlsmrs@yahoo.com

[MikkiStreak]

Hi Steev,
How about these reasons?

1) Birthmothers aren't given all the facts prior to signing the papers. They are told they have 3 options: adoption, abortion, and being a parent. But they aren't given information to help them make an educated decision. When working with an adoption agency, they are given a lot of information about adoption--- but never about anything else. And even the information they are provided about adoption is (many times) limited.

2) Birthparents are still lied to about legalities, altho it happens much less frequently than in the past. The law says a non-biased person has to be present during the signing of the relinquishment papers to make sure undue pressure/threats aren't made about the signing. But that doesn't mean those statements haven't been made between the adoption representatives and the birthmother when others are not present. I can vouche for that personally. I was told if I changed my mind, I would have to pay back all the expenses--- which is illegal--- and that if I decided to keep her, I had to "prove" I could support her or the agency would report me to CPS.

3) as for taking responsibility---- your implication is that placing is the responsible thing to do, but raising is not(responsible) if we want our children back. in every other unity/relationship, we've built in escape mechanisms. If marriage fails, divorce is an option. If a business partnership fails, dissolution of the entity can be executed. If we make a purchase and change our mind, we have return policies. But adoption is supposed to be permanent? If that's the case, then it should also not be an option for adoptive parents to get out of the adoption either. In the moment they decide to take the child, they should not be able to reneg. But, alas, adoptive parents are given that luxury---- they can call the agency and give the child back. And if the adoption decree has been finalized, they have the option of giving the child to CPS if they don't want to parent anymore. So why are birthmothers (who typically are YOUNG and not fully informed of ALL their options) expected to be oh-so responsible and just live with their decision?

In regards to the post from Del: you mention about adoptive parents jumping thru hoops. To add to that concept---- just because 2 people spent years going to doctors for medical diagnosis/assistance with reproduction, doesn't mean these are the "hoops" they had to jump to in order to adopt. And I think many people fail to remember that.

When it comes to adoption law, the majority of states have few "hoops" in place: criminal background checks, personal references, application, and a certain number of home-study hours (usually less than 20, typically more like 5-10 hours). Then agencies have the option of adding more requirements for the adoptive parents they work with.

But legally--- the "hoops" are minimal and really should be expanded. Adoptive parents should be required to attend educational workshops dealing with parenting adopted kids (because there are special needs intrinsic to adoption for kids), as well as having to undergo a medical review/assessment and psychological evaluation.