Pros and Cons of Open Adoption

This is the third in a series that explores the pros and cons of various types of adoption.
Part 1 (12-4-04) looked at closed or confidential adoption.
Part 2 (12-6-04)  looked at semi-open adoption.

What is open adoption?
Open or fully-disclosed adoption is the current trend in domestic infant adoption. The practice picked up steam in the mid-90s and continues to gain popularity, especially among birth parents.

In an open adoption, everyone shares their first and last names and both parties meet face to face at least once. Often, the interaction between the birth and adoptive family continues throughout the child’s life. This contact may take the form of letters, e-mails, pictures and gifts, or through phone calls and/or visits.

Birth parents have more control
Because birth parents choose the adoptive parents for their child in a semi-open or open adoption, they feel an increased sense of control, which leads to healthy processing of their grief and less guilt about their decision.

On the other hand, because the birth parent(s) and adoptive parents meet – often many times during the pregnancy – birth parents may feel additional pressure to place their child based on the emotional and/or financial support the adoptive family provides.

After voluntarily relinquishing their parental rights, some birth parents struggle with boundary issues. They may have unrealistic expectations about the adoptive family or about the role they agreed to play in their child’s life.

Adoptive parents are morally bound to maintain contact
Adoptive parents, who may not feel completely comfortable with the degree of contact, sometimes “play along” until after they adopt the child. Once the birth parents’ rights are terminated in court (usually anywhere from 2 days to 3 months in the U.S., depending on the state), the adoptive parents slam the door to continued contact. This is an unconscionable act on the adoptive parents' part, and when it happens, birth parents feel betrayed and rejected and are likely to regret their decision.

Thankfully, this scenario rarely occurs in open adoptions because birth parents usually choose adoptive families with whom they feel an affinity. The two families often bond quickly, resulting in a lasting friendship.

First parents and second parents
Birth parents in fully-disclosed adoptions are usually mature individuals who are willing to work with the adoptive family to establish appropriate boundaries that are in the best interest of the child.

Contrary to popular belief, children in open adoptions are not confused about who their “real” parents are. That’s because both sets of parents are their “real” parents. Their “first” or “birth parents” cared for them in the womb and carefully planned for their future. Their “second” or “adoptive” parents now have the joy of nurturing them as they grow to adulthood – with the support of the birth parent cheering squad.

In open adoptions in which boundaries are carefully established, children know who’s who. There’s no fantasizing about who their birth parents are – they know who they are. They call their (adoptive) parents Mom and Dad, and they usually call their birth parents by their first names.

There are fewer feelings of abandonment, because they can ask their birth parents why they placed them for adoption and get straight answers. They feel free to bond with their adoptive family, because they are assured that their birth parent(s) support them and their family. They may even end up with a slew of extra biological grandparents, siblings, cousins and doting aunties that they never expected.

Open adoption can be complex and challenging. But if respect and trust are mutual, it can also be a rewarding experience for everyone.

Coming December 15: Pros and Cons of International Adoption

This series about the pros and cons of adoption is also available at www.laurachristianson.com.

Comments

[Kassie]

i feel open adoption is one of the greatest things in the world. i was adopted through open adoption and it's not like my biological mom has 'lost me' forever. i still keep in contact with her and i don't take it as she didn't 'love me' i understand the situation and i believe what she did for me was out of love.

[Karen Larson]

I believe that open adoption is a wonderful thing. I got pregnant at 16 and knew that I could not provide for my baby the way I wanted to, emotionally or physically. I was way too young and broke. I chose to give my baby to a family I got to know, trust, and love. They are wonderful people and, although it was a hard experience letting go, I never regret my decision. I don't think that I would've ever been able to go through with the adoption if I didn't know the adoptive parents and if I didn't know that I could keep in contact. I get to talk to my daughter on the phone, write her letters, send her presents, and even visit. I am so happy that open adoption is available. My daughter gets to grow up knowing that she was not "given up" ... I did what I truly believed was best for her and I did it out of love. Because of open adoption, she will grow up knowing that.

[Amber J. Wiggins]

I am a birthmother. My son is now 3 1/2 years old, and I've never looked back on my decision with regret. I got pregnant when I was 19, and decided to find a family to raise my baby, and to give him a better life than I could have provided at that time. I was able to hand pick his adopted parents, and I'm very involved with his life. He will always know who I am, and I will make sure that he understands that he was very much wanted, by everyone.

[Alison.M.Owen]

I gave my baby away cause i had a terrible time of unwanted vistors calling making me look bad. I've had a terrible time adjusting to this cruel torture brought apon myself and my family and whilst these social workers telling me this i think i've blown ever seeing him. Which is unfair how can you be polite on these circumstances.

[kelli]

I gave my baby up for adoption over a year ago and the adoptive family agreed to keep it open like I requested,as soon as my baby left the state I didn't hear from the adoptive family for over a year and that was even forced on my behalf nothing was ever put in writing.When I called on her birthday I got no response and about an hour later thier lawyer called me and told me I had no right to call them,and that I shouldnt even try to contact them untill every thing was final,I really regret choosing this family,I feel they made promises that they didnt intend to keep,that I do plan on revoking my termination,this article says this rarely happens but it did happen to me,I have learned that even though a promise may be heart felt always get things in writing,I followed through on my promise to give them a wonderful gift and I don't even know much about her,yet it already has been a year,and I had to wait that long for a small amount of information,and scolding from the lawyer,it has truly been very heartbreaking

[Bob]

Im adopted. :)

[Gilbert]

Can anyone tell me how the adoption process works for girls under the age of 18?

[Gilbert]

Can anyone tell me how the adoption process works for a girl under the age of 18 who wants to place a child for adoption?

[Maria]

Gilbert, try to call an adoption agency in your are, the best one are those non-profit because normally the birthmother don't have to pay anything and they offer a lot of counseling before she makes the desition to place her baby. We are in the process of becoming parents to an agency that offers all these services. If you need more information let me know, and I'm happy to help you.

[CHRIS]

Hi I need more Info about adoption my wife and I are looking forward to adopting a child in the near future. My wife had a misscarage about a year ago we are currently trying to have children but with no success yet. I believe that God wants for us to addopt at least one child, just to help carry the load of broken mothers out there.We want a white or coloured child as we are white so that he or she won't feel regected as he/she gets older. What will it cost me as I'm staying in South-Africa.I also feel open adoption is a good option for the parents as well as for the childs sake.

[lovey]

i am 18 and pregnant at the moment and am going to give my child up for adoption. i am unsure of the effects i will face after the adoption is final. i would like some advice on what these effects may be.

[Laura Christianson]

If you are planning to place your child for adoption, I would suggest connecting with a great group of other women who have done so. You can find them at www.BirthMomBuds.com. They have many resources and support groups to help you work through your emotions in the aftermath of adoption. I wish you the best.

Laura

[Hannah Ferguson]

i was 15 years old when i had my son. i still had two years left in high school so i did some research and realized the best thing would be open adoption. it is the best desision i have ever made. i talk to the adoptive family all the time and i get to see me son at least 3 thimes a month. i incourage soon to be mothers that are younger to consider open adoption.

[SANDRA CRENSHAW SIPES]

IF YOU MAKE A DECISION ABOUT OPEN ADOPTION THINKING YOU WILL BE ABLR TO SEE YOUR CHILD THINK AGAIN? I GO THROUGH TRAUMATIC LOSS I MAY NEVER COME TO TERMS WITH. SANDRA SIPES NJ

[Laura Christianson]

Sandra,

I'm sorry you have experienced such trauma over the open adoption you hoped for. However, pregnant women and pre-adoptive parents should not judge all open adoption based on one person's good or bad experience.

Every adoption situation is completely unique. What's most important in open adoption is that birth and adoptive families set up firm boundaries and are truthful with one another, just as people in any healthy relationship should be.

Laura

[Maureen Miller]

Sandra, I'm sorry you feel that way.
I was adopted over 40+ years ago. I believe that my closed adoption was the best thing. My Mom & Dad brought me up telling me that my birth parents were people who loved me so much that they wanted a better life for me than they could give me. And that God placed me in my Mom & Dad's lives to be in their family.
Because I feel so strong about adoption I decided about 10 years ago when I was having my first child to search for my birth parents simply to tell them "Thank You I have a good life because of you" I have been reunited with them about 7 years ago and it's great. I brought joy to my Mom & Dad when I was younger and I bring joy to my Birth Mother & Father in my adult years because they are not only parents but grand parents.
Maureen

[Shelby A Williams]

I was adopted at birth and am now 23 years old when I was younger yes I had that burning desire to find by biological family but, now I rarely even think about them then again my adoption was closed and I'm glad and appreciate it more.I thank God for the family he blessed me with and couldn't ask for anything more. One day I will persue my search for my parents but, for now I am living my life I don't have kids now but, when I do I would like for my kids to know both my adoptive family and biological family it would only be fair because one gave me life and the other raised me to be the fine young lady I am today.